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[18 Jan 2007|07:10pm] |
Maybe I'm just damaged goods
And, baby, you're a babe in the woods
And me, I'm just a little lost lamb
But you love me wherever I am
And maybe I've been caught red handed
Making off like a lucky bandit
And this wasn't how I planned it
-----------------------------------------
i'm not surprised anymore. its really fucking lonely in this place.
love,
ben
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[06 Dec 2006|04:26pm] |
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music |
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people yelling at each other |
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im so fucking jealous of people who have parents that have their back.
theres not much else to say. thats pretty much it.
love,
ben
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[11 Nov 2006|11:11am] |
FRIENDS ONLY
love,
ben
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[09 Oct 2006|12:39pm] |
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music |
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the academy is... - slow down |
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so i'm laying here before i go to work today looking around me and my new apartment and what do i see?
i see a freshly painted coat of primer on my walls, i see light shining in the window, all of our things bunched up in the center of the room due to the painting and work we've been doing on the apartment.
it feels great.
i work a lot. in fact ive got to get ready to go to work now. it feels so good though, to sit here and look at whats going on with my life. with all the bad hands i've been dealt, and the horrible way i've played them, i'm so lucky to still have enough to have enough good hands and enough motivation to make something out of all of this.
my girlfriend is the single most amazing girl i know and what i have with her is irreplaceable.
i've got paint all over myself and it feels awesome.
growing up can be really great if you apply yourself and really make something out of what you have instead of sitting on your lazy childish ass. i know its not easy all the time, believe me, i really would know. the feeling that you get from making something out of nothing, or really even just making something out of yourself is a great one.
i've made so many mistakes in my life, its so nice to be happy with a decision i've made.
once we find the camera thats probably hidden under all of our shit, i'll take some pictures.
but for now, i have to shower and go to work.
love,
ben
ps. the movie the departed was fucking awesome.
that weed i smoked last night was fucking awesome too.
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[25 May 2006|12:43am] |
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music |
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death cab for cutie - ill follow you into the dark |
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i'm sitting on the train waiting for it to leave grand central and my bike is in one seat and i'm in the other and this black couple walk by and the train is packed. They are like "shit where we gona sit". I got up and was like "you can sit here". So i sat in the seat with my bike in it and the black dude was like "good looks friend", and i was like "word, its my bike anyway". So im sitting there and this girl came on the train right before the black couple sat in the seat across from me. Shes pretty cute, not supermodel hot, but something really endearing about her, and very cute. She smiled at me, and i smiled a little and looked down and she looked at me a whole bunch and i kinda tried to look at her but was too shy so i'd always look away and avoid eye contact but i was thinking about it, and i really liked the fact that she smiled at me. Its just such a nice thing to do and it made me feel so good inside just to have someone that i dont know smile at me. I thought she wanted me to talk to her, but i couldnt cause i'm definitely too shy. So i sat across from her. She probably thought I didnt like her, because i'm too shy and i'd look away when she'd look at me and stuff so then she went on her phone and talked to people and shit and the opportunity was lost i guess
Anyway, I was playing with my little cardboard strip receipt thing and i made it into a little heart and i waited until it was almost my stop and i gave it to her. I told her i made it for her and walked my bike to the door so i could get off at my stop. She said thank you and i walked away. I was waiting for my stop and just before i got off at my stop, she ran up to me and said thank you, and smiled at me and gave me a tea bag. On it on one side it said "thank you" and on the other it said "that was a very nice thing" and on the little cardboard tab on the end of the string, it said "jenny". So her name is jenny, and she thinks i'm nice. I'll never see her again, and I think its about the cutest thing that I'll probably always remember.
i'm a sap.
i wrote a poem on the train while this way goin down.
its something like this;
i wanna be the cute boy on the train
for you to come to me and ask me to pretend we've been friends forever.
and then to hold your hang for old times sake.
:D
anyway, i traded my Ipod for a really sweet Bmx bike.
I'VE BEEN CLEAN FROM ALL DRUGS (except weed of course) for like two weeks now.
i dont need drugs, i dont want them, all they do is make your problems build up and kill you.
my skin is clearing up, i feel healthier, i've been riding my bike more often.
life is good. lets just smoke some weed and cuddle. i think its a great idea.
love,
ben
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[10 Mar 2006|03:25pm] |
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A lot goes on unsaid. Most of the time this is probably for the better. I've been doing well lately, so I'm not sure why I'm just not feeling like it. There's something seriously missing. Someone seriously missing.
Anyhow, I'm currently on the roof of my apartment in manhattan, sunbathing with benni and kendra, and it's just fucking beautiful up here. It makes you seriously think about how beautiful some things can be, while others so ugly.
( Without further ado, I have a bunch of pretty great pictures. )
love,
ben
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[26 Dec 2005|07:15pm] |
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music |
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jose gonzalez - heartbeats |
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SO IT GOES LIKE THIS.
( MOST AMAZING EMAIL EVER )
yeah so kelsey came over today, we had fun, then dani came over and blindfolded val as a surprise.
that was mad cute, i'm going to vals birthday party later tonight.
ohhh yeah and ...
love,
ben
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[13 Dec 2005|06:41am] |
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my hands really are cold without her.
my circulation really isnt what it used to be.
i just want to not be sick anymore.
warmth, soup, snow without numb feet, and a hand with interlocked fingers might be what i need.
love,
ben
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[24 Nov 2005|04:43am] |
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you know when you look in the fridge over and over again?
sometimes you get down and squat to look for like 15 minutes at a time.
theres never going to be food in there.
seriously, thats how i feel about finding a fucking girl to love.
love,
ben
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| the sounds playing in nyc previewing the new album |
[14 Nov 2005|09:45pm] |
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music |
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the sounds duh |
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.:T H E S O U N D S:.
tickets at: www.ticketweb.com
Two years ago Swedish rockers THE SOUNDS first invaded
America, touring with The Strokes and then selling out their
own headline tour. Now, THE SOUNDS are poised to become
2006’s biggest stars with the release of their second album
'Dying To Say This To You', produced by Jeff Saltzman of
Killers fame. Catch THE SOUNDS’ return to New York on
Thursday the 17th at the Hiro Ballroom. Supporting them will
be DJs JAMES IHA of the Smashing Pumpkins, THE
MISSHAPES who will be broadcasting their East Village radio
show live from the venue, Josh Madden, and Ultragrrrl, along
with opening act Shiny Toy Guns.
Tickets at www.ticketweb.com
.:T H E S O U N D S:.
Tickets:www.ticketweb.com
Live at the Hiro Ballroom
Doors Open at 9pm
Maritime Hotel
363 West 16th Street
(at Ninth Avenue)
you'll see me there, buy buy buy tickets!!!!!
the new album is fucking amazing.
love,
ben
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| in a fucking car wreck |
[03 Oct 2005|02:52pm] |
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music |
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walls of jericho |
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so im in jersey right now, at this girl jennas house.
i met up with ryan and matt on saturday night, they surprised me by coming to misshapes.
i was extremeelelyyy fucked up, but it was really really fun regardless. we left misshapes at like 4 oclock or something in the morning.
on the way back in new jersey we got in the fucking biggest car accident, the jeep flipped multiple times with me taking care of a really really drunk kaleena IN THE HATCH/trunk.
i got knocked unconcious because my head hit the window and i woke up a couple minutes later on laying on in the middle of the road near the flipped jeep. noone died or anything.
i spent the rest of the morning in the hospital and most of yesterday sleeping at some girls apartment.
i'm now in frenchtown jersey, and the police are looking for matt, ryan and I.
its like serious buisness and it sucks.
anyway... leave me some love, we need it.
love,
ben
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[30 Sep 2005|05:57pm] |
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music |
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destroyer, destroyer |
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So i was walking uptown to st marks from around canal-ish street this morning, and when i got to around houston i started to realize that EVERYONE was being really weird.
or so i thought. i donno, everyone that i passed on the street this morning seemed odd, everyone seemed fucked up on something. it was bizarre.
also, i noticed this morning that a lot of people were like, smiling at me.
i'm in a strange mood today.
i got my forearm tattoo the other day. my half sleeve is on its way, it was supposed to get done this past wednesday but my guy had to leave town on a family emergency.
i watched half of "blow" this morning at my friend jakes apartment, it was pretty rad, i just dont like the second half. i'm sure you know why.
anywho, ryan and matt are coming back up north for a little while, im pretty stoked, but i can never be sure of what they are doing, so i wont get my hopes up.
love,
ben
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[12 Sep 2005|06:00pm] |
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music |
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anberlin - driving |
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i have noooo recent pictures of me within the last couple of months, i'm going to make it my mission to get some.
my eyes have been green for a month now without change. what does that mean?
ali is visiting me in ten days, i'm excited.
i'm getting 3 more tattoos very soon. 2 half sleeves and a tiny wrist piece.
i think anberlin - driving is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever heard.
i'm going to go eat something, i'm hungry.
i've been thinking i'm kind of weird lately.
i think people get that impression too
because i like old people and bunnies
and i'm not a morning person
and sometimes i talk in my sleep
and maybe snore if i'm sick
the lyrics i write for my band arent about love, they are about mythology and ancient heros
and i hate tv
and i'm scared of scary movies, very scared
and if i do watch tv, its probably the history channel
and i dont know what love is lately, but i know i will find out eventually
and sometimes i'm so confused i forget everything and everyone, only to remember after 10 minutes of staring
and i like my cereal soggy
and i like pizza microwaved
and i hate being cold but i loooove the snow
and i love bundling up for the cold, and wearing sweaters that i dont have enough money to afford
and i think my hair looks best when its messy and greasy.
recently i stopped believing my scars were beautiful. i hate them, i've been putting vitamin e on them every day to make them go away.
ohh wait, yeah i guess i should mention where i'm currently living and crap.
right now i'm in westchester, after spending some time in the hamptons.
i'm still looking for a roommate in nyc, and a place to work in manhattan.
idk, i guess thats about it...
comment me up, let me know you still exist.
love,
ben
::EDIT::
PS. IVE BEEN CLEAN FOR TWO WEEKS :D
i told you i'd do it. you dirty rotten mother fucker.
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| hmph |
[01 Sep 2005|07:51am] |
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music |
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fischerspooner |
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I want to fall in love with a girl who will be brave with me.
I want a girl whose imperfections are so fucking perfect.
I want to fall in love with a girl, riddled with confusion, stacked with so much confusion she can barely remember her own name.
I just want her to remember mine. I want to be the one bit of clarity in someone elses ludicrous life. I want to be someones dirty old shoe that they never get rid of.
I've certainly already got the smelly and dirty part covered.
I just want to be someones counterpart in a more adult relationship than i've previously had.
Please?
love,
ben
ps. ( pictures? )
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| mmm |
[18 Aug 2005|10:49pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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kaospilot |
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i'm in new york.
i just visited katie for about a week.
i've been clean for 5 days. i plan on staying clean. completely.
i donno what else to say. i traveled a lot today, and i'm very tired.
my body hates me.
love,
ben
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renegade_kill's journal
contemplative
